Having been blissfully married now for more than 37 years, I would like to share something that seems to me a good way to build a successful marriage. We always hear about the importance of communications, commitment, respect and other good advice, but I have observed that an appropriate division of labour or roles is one easy way to foster and maintain a healthy marriage.
Having separate defined responsibilities in the marriage and home has some great benefits. Both spouses can focus their skills, effort and attention on a subset of household tasks, rather than trying to be good at all of them; a simpler arrangement. We don’t both have to worry about everything, I get to do the things I am good at, and my partner in life gets to do the ones she is good at. Of course there will be some tasks or roles that both or neither are good at and those can be divvied up to balance the work load, each taking on “60%” of the tasks to ensure that 90% get done most of the time. :-)
More important, division of labour builds mutual dependency, appreciation and even admiration for each other as my spouse does things I do not or cannot do well, and I get better at doing the things I do well – the best use and application of available talent! Dependency is important to see the marriage through rough spots. If I cannot see how I could get by without my spouse, then I am less likely to entertain the thought of doing so. Watching your spouse do things for you that you would not do well yourself also provides opportunities for gratitude and appreciation – always a good thing in marriages.
On the flip side, having separate responsibilities helps avoid some serious marital difficulties. For example, squabbles over whose turn it is to take out the garbage, confusion and anxiety about when and how the vacuuming was last done, grumbling about whether or how well the grass was mowed, pointless disagreements about how something should be done, and even competition with your spouse on multiple trivial fronts. These petty issues can lead to disgruntlement, resentment and estrangement if allowed to fester, or when fed every week. Best to avoid them altogether.
Of course, as a married couple, you should still do some tasks together, and an occasional role-swapping will help build your relationship as you come to appreciate what is involved in your spouse’s tasks. This is also important so that you can pick up other duties when necessary, as when your spouse leaves you with the kids for a few days, or to be with her aging parent, is away on business, sick in bed, or heavily into volunteer work.
In our marriage, we have found that this division of labour works extremely well. Thus I thought I would share the concept to see if it could be helpful advice for others.
Later Addition:
If you are young and not yet married, then you should marry earlier rather than later in life. No I don't mean as a teen. Rather I mean don't wait until your thirties to get hitched, for a variety of reasons. At 24 years, you are still figuring out who you are, constructing your personality and life habits after getting out on your own. Thus, your persona and ways of doing things are still malleable or flexible and you can adapt to your spouse, who will be different from you in so many ways. If you wait until 35, then your life will (usually) be much more settled in terms of habits, career, living processes, preferences, etc., and you will find it harder to change and adapt, as you must when you get married. Marrying early allows the two to become one much more easily and closely, growing together their living skills and adjusting to each other -- certainly a good thing for a happy marriage.
For those who are already married, you can pretend you are young enough to change radically, be willing to do so, and thereby build a closer relationship and a stronger marriage.
OK, so maybe engineers should not be giving marital advice?
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